I'm sitting here wondering to myself why people have to die.. Or get sick, or have cancer, or something. Why does it usually happen to the good people instead of the people who deserve it? What did we do wrong to deserve such a thing. I don't understand why dying happens. I know it happens eventually to everyone. And it definitely isn't a good thing. I want to know why the fuck do I sit around and take shit for granted. WHY THE FUCK AM I STUPID. I know a certain someone who has some sort of sickness. I could be with that person, spending time with them for endless amounts but I choose not to. Why in the world am I caught up in such a thing called "social life" and only thinking about myself? I'm fucking selfish. I blame other people and take my anger out on other shit when I should be taking it out on myself. It's all on me. I know I didn't do anything to cause this sickness but I add on to it. The head aches, heart aches, the aches and wonders of what a teenager can do to someone.

I love my dad. I don't want him to go yet. I wish I can take back so much time I've wasted doing other shit than be with him. Than do all the bad shit I've done. Than waste so much time trying to figure out what to do in a day, instead of going to his room and telling him I love him or being with him. It hurts me, deep inside. I regret so much shit. Now that I think of it, The only person whose always been the best was him. He gave me everything I wanted, everything I needed. He always wanted whats best for me. He always tried his best to give me anything and everything. I just always pushed it away. He means too much to me. & For me to just.. push it away? How the fuck.. Wow. Shame on me. I'm so stupid. So many people always say " I hate my parents " or hate their mom or dad. What the fuck? Well, I don't know... but. I honestly wish my dad didn't have parkinson's disease. He doesn't deserve it. He's a really good person.

If only I had someone to talk to about this, but I guess this blog sort of helps. So here I sit late at night thinking to myself the why what & hows. The stupid wonders of life.

Dear God,
Can you help my daddy get through with all the pain he's going through? He can't even walk or talk correctly. He can't even take our family out to lunch or buy us breakfast in the mornings.. And sooner or later, he won't even be able to take me to school in the early morning. Wake up and buy me breakfast.. He can't even go to church with the family anymore. He can't even walk out of the house.. I miss my dad. I miss being out with him. When my mom went to the Philippines, it was a good time to spend with my dad. I just want you to know that I'm not ready for him to leave anytime soon... He's been good to everyone. He doesn't deserve to die.. At least not yet. God, don't take him away from me and everyone else. If anything, Can't you just like find a cure and make everything better.. I don't know. I seriously don't know.. But if you can't.. Just take care of him.. please. If you take him in, just please make sure to help me know that he's okay. If he's just hurting and working throughout the days just to get by and be there for our family, then go ahead.. TAKE HIM. I don't want him suffering. And especially for us because I know that we don't do enough compared to what he's done for us.

Sincerely,
Cristine Jane Armosilla.